Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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