I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
