i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
