it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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