so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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