I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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