Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
