does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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