woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
