Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
