Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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