He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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