Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I want a musical about memes.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
