He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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