I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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