I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
