I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
