Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
