Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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