I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
