Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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