so explain again why im purple
no
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
