I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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