Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
