the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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