DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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