He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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