Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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