I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
