I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
