I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
