He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
