Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
