I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
