I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
