I hate your face
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
