shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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