I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
