Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
