upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
