All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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