Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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