I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
