She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize