I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
