I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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