A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
