hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
