So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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