I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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