She said her name was "party"
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
