party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
