You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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