I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
