so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
